RETREAT DAY

I learned a lot today. First, I have a tough time doing things just for fun. I tried to spend the whole day doing nothing productive, but it wasn't easy. I sure did learn a lot though by just observing the outside world. I am so consumed by my own family and my own situation that I have been missing the picture. I have become the "mad" parent. We have stopped making the simple fun. That needs to change. I also need to stop being so concerned about sleep and worry more about wasting my days. I know that I need to take care of myself, but that seems to be more about eliminating stuff from my life. I also need to think about what God wants as far as the actions I am living. I know Kathy is going to be mad a lot, but we have to deal with that. Finally, taking time to myself is a really good idea. It's time to get back to reading, learning about God and taking time to pray. Football season has been great, but it's time for a change.

VIRUS

I haven't slept, our computer is down with a virus and my fantasy football team is about to lose. I just hope to do for God, but I just feel like such a dog right now. That is changing starting right now!

KIDS VS. PARENTS

I ran as hard as I could today, and it was still really slow. I don't know what happens to our days here. I seem to get nothing done. I used to be productive, but it seems like there is a lot more time spent "relationship building" rather than task accomplishing. I guess that is good though. While I can't see any tangible results, this is probably what God wants.

RICKER CHRISTMAS

This was a great day! Sure, we woke up a little early, but basketball, gymnastics, Target and Christmas at the folks was great. I did realize that eating not healthy ain't all it is cracked up to be, but it is good to just eat. Especially knowing that Monday it is all coming back. I have started to try to talk to people, take risks and make an effot. It is good stuff. This God plan really works sometimes!

SNOWMAN DAY

I was much better today, having fun with Liana, being nice to people at work and just being more of the person I want to be. The problem is, I always have to wind up going to work. I even prayed today to be used at Famous Dave's and then I messed up a check. It could have been a lot worse, but I am making mistakes I never made before. I just don't know why, but I do believe it has something to do with being too selfish. I have to get over this ego thing. I did recognize something today. While in the church, there were countless situations every day where I had to be outgoing and energetic and it was really tough for me. In the end though, I was glad I did that. I realize that now that I don't have to do that, I have an easy out. To be the person I want to be is to not do what comes naturally and avoid people. I have to take risks and be "me" to do what God wants me to I think.

MAD

The day after I told Kathy that I don't get mad, I was crabby for the entire second half of the day. I guess I need some sleep and I guess that my not eating a lot doesn't help, but I was a total wack job today. And I don't know why. Everything totally bothered me. Even Culver's Night, my time to shine, was bogus. I am becoming one of "those" parents and it ain't really good. I just feel like I need a break, need to do something. Let's see how I feel after sleeping, but I was the opposite of "loving" today.

SHOPPING SPREE

I get this shopping thing. I got my whole gift taken back, freed up some money and found Chubbies for 50% off on a Wednesday only sale (after I just woke up at 5:30 a.m.). Who says there isn't a God? More and more I am realizing that the more I get in tune with God, the better my life is and the more cool stuff happens. It is a pretty good deal. Now that I am not in the depression thing, life is so much better.

MUSEUM

I came into the day in a better state. I got up early to work out. With the kids we did a lot of cool stuff and we even had fun. We went swimming. We went to the museum. Once again, I am making baby strides. I still have to work on being a husband.

NORM

Norm and my parents really saved the day today. The battery problem was going to be tough to figure out, but in one swoop, mom and dad came through again. And we even had lunch! They are really special people. I hope to be like that someday. One thing I really love about my dad is that he never talks down about mom. I am horrible and getting worse at showing respect and love for Kathy in private and public. I have to become a better husband. I don't care what she does or does not do, it doesn't matter. I have to be a better husband. I have to show her love, be kind and really treat her with care and concern. I know that I just want attention and want people to feel sorry for me, but how juvenille is that. It's time to grow up, stop worrying about "me" and being the person God wants me to be. I have to die to myself to get there.

HOME AND SCHOOL MEETING

God, I want to be of service to people. I don't want to be selfish. I want to be selfless. I know that I should focus not on what I am doing, but who I am being. So should I continue to do this Home and School thing? There are just so many hours. What do you want?

EXPONENTIAL IMPACT

God, I just want to thank you for all of the blessings that you have given me and for all of the people that you have put into my life. Three years ago, I could not have imagined being in touch with the people that I have. After adopting children, it is amazing where we are financially and with time to connect with people and help make a difference. You have made a plan for our lives that is even greater than we ever thought possible. And it continues to get better. The more I put into living for you, the better life seems to be.

Thank You!

THE BEGINNING

We are off to a good start. First, there was the putting God back at the top of the life chain...the motivation. Now we are on to the second step, actually living life in the way that does what God wants us to do. Being disciplined to accomplish God's work is a big step, but my mental state for doing that seems to be a lot better.

THANKSGIVING HANGOVER

I am on 192 ounces of Coke today, and I finally think that I have motivated myself to get back in shape and be a role model to my kids. I have become lax, and it has shown in the kids life. They are watching way too much tv, don't eat as healthy as they should and our house is kind of up for grabs these days. But I am going to do my part to make our home better. Now I just have to remember to keep God in the forefront of all that I and we do. There is no reason why we don't do the things I know we should be doing. Sure, I am going to have to fight some things, but it is worth it. I am getting lazy, but that surely will stop. Less football, more family!

CHUCK E CHEESE

It was a great day, and I seemed to do a good job of being nice to people and trying to make friends with other people. For some reason though, when I get home, it turns into get stuff done mode. Who cares how the house looks during a sleepover? I need to change that. I also need to get some time here. We'll see when that comes. I feel bad now for marriages that don't work and basketball teams that are not going to be good. Darn Bolingbrook!

DIVORCE TALK

We went to talk to cuz and it really made me realize how great we have things. When I look at my own particular situation in a bubble, I sometimes realize that things could be a lot worse. I just wish that I could be a lot better in helping people and giving advice. I want to make people realize that they can really fix their situation. I guess it is up to God though. And I also guess that 90 minutes can't fix 9 years of problems. I do feel bad though, horrible that I couldn't really help. In other news, I really do appreciate all that I get to do with the family!

POINT GUARD

We are two days away from Thanksgiving and the fun hasn't really sunk in just yet. I am no closer to getting anything done than I was at the start of the school year. It is a little disheartening, but at the end of the day I am totally exhausted. I can't believe that last year I lived like this every day. No wonder I was a total wack job. Just now I realize that I am getting better, wanting to reach out to people and being just more loving. I still have a ways to go, but I see some progress.

DOUGHNUTS WITH DAD

There is no doubt that the highlight of the day was to spend time with Dad. He is so great with our kids, and kids in general. He made friends with some kindergarten girl and she was just talking to him all day. It was great to have some time with Dad. After that, the day got a little terrible. I was late delivering the ice cream party thing. I wasted all day sleeping. I lost a credit card at Famous Dave's. I just ain't doing anything well and not feeling well about anything I am doing. Lord, show me what you want me to do.

HOLTER MONITOR

I woke up early today and did a little oven fixing. To my suprise, the oven actually works! It was awesome that we don't have to buy a new stove. What a blessing. Thank you Lord. I was in a much better mood, actively looked forward to making friends with people and just tried to be nice to people. It was a good day of loving others, even my own kids. I just hope the monitor recognizes the love I showed to people.

MICHAEL VICK DAY

I was down 40 points going into the fantasy game today, with one guy left. JD had two guys left. 60 fantasy points later, I win 133-131 in what is the greatest comeback in the history of fantasy football. Of course, I am more down about the stove going out. But if this JJC thing comes through, it will surely be an answer to a prayer. I asked for a sign today and bammo, got an email from JJC about a possible teaching job. I guess it works.

SICK DAY

I just can't seem to get on track. I get back into the health thing, get rolling on working hard and then get hit with the sickness bug. At least it was a lot of pooping, so the weight loss was helped. I am down to 175, which is a good weight for me. One of the reasons that Thanksgiving seems not such a big deal anymore is because of the eating problems I have these days. The Turkey Bowl doesn't seem so much fun anymore. Even football is losing its luster. I just feel like everything is a chore these days, which probably means that I need to sleep.

DAVE STEC

It was the classic case of living in the moment and putting people first. Of course, that is not hard with Dave Stec. I could talk to him forever! He really made me want to do something in Ecuador, but I don't know what. It would be great to be able to help out Father Don. And the painting was very disappointing. I wanted it to turn out so good, but I just didn't do a very good job. Mom and Dad keep paying me for work that ain't so great. I feel horrible.

NAP DAY

Even though I slept for ten hours last night, I still found a way to get a two-hour nap in today...and it was awesome, until I dreamt that I ran over a kid. It is amazing how the body is adjusting to eating and being healthy. I have a lot of energy and it feels great! I still have too much of a "me" focus, but it is getting better. Every day I just seem to get more in touch with God's plan.

TILLERS

These days are the greatest. I have a little delimma though. I haven't been eating a lot of great food and it has cost me in the energy department. All day I have been so focused on my hunger that I have been not the best me. I do think though that once my body gets used to eating healthy again, we'll be all set. This is the most energy I have had all day, maybe that eating dinner thing really helps.

SCRAPBOOK DAY

Life is back to normal, focusing on doing what God wants and having enough time to do it. We took a nap, kept eating to a minimum and did some Famous Dave's working! I don't know about the love there, but I did take out of my time to go to Target. Even at Famous Dave's, it was nice to connect with people. Tomorrow, let's get to loving.

VALUE MEETING

We had our home and school meeting today, after a week in which I have just totally exhausted myself, and it was anything but great! When asked for what we do of value; popcorn, free events and other less than stellar stuff came out. I just think I am wired differently. What a great bunch of people though. Really nice people at Southbury, and Liana has been great all week helping me get this stuff done.

HOST

Today I realized that I was really doing a bad job at life this week. I have totally used the Fun Run as an excuse to take a week off and really let our home get out of whack. I have slept a lot more than I need to, not exercise and get away from doing all the things that were getting me back into God. So starting tonight, we are back. Of course, after Friday, life is going to be a lot better. I don't think I have ever disliked this Home and School more, but it ain't meant to be fun or enjoyable. Helping people doing stuff like this is really needed.

LEGOLAND

I had a revelation today. Money is huge in keeping me from being the best "me" I can be. Things are really tight right now, so I really feel like God is saying, don't worry about the money this month. Use your tithing money to take care of expenses that are coming up. So sorry CCC and sorry "real" charities. But I really feel at peace. Some of that money will be for our trip to Legoland. Our kids were great today. No fighting and doing a great job of making friends. And they were so great with not complaining and really enjoying all of the stuff that Legoland has to offer. Seven hours of fun!

EGG HARBOR

I met with Joanne Kutner and got some great insight about college. I also got some great insight about life. Joanne is always positive and always says how much she enjoys spending time with you. She makes it truly about people and is very willing to help. She is a great role model. We also took a three hour nap today...which was awesome. Liana and I had some quality time, which was good. Tessa was happy today. Alexa won an award today and Mark was truly happy for her. We had a great day in the family. On my end, I wish I could have made a difference today.

HALLOWEEN

It was about as good of a Halloween as you could have. We went to Church and Dave talked about Dia Trebow, which really helped me realize how important it is to reproduce what you are doing through an apprentice. Then we got some good groceries at the folks house and some adult time for the day. Then we got back and the kids were great at trick-or-treating. No complaining and Alexa even worked our whole block. I even did a better job of relating to people, even with Darth Vader on. We even ended up with some cheese pizza. God just gave us a good one today.

HALLOWEEN WEEKEND

What a great idea, doing the Oswego party deal and then going to Dollinger Farm. We took our first trip to the Labrinth and took a half hour walking through the corn fields. It was a good time, but I have to admit that I was a little ticked off that we didn't find the way out. That was cool though. And we did get the chance to play with animals and play in the hay. It has been a good weekend. And I am doing better at trying to talk to people, but I realize more and more how much I am uncomfortable around people. It just doesn't come naturally to me.

HALLOWEEN PARTY

We made some baby steps today. Go figure, it is the first day that I actually feel tired, no work, and now we have a podcast to do. Oh well. At least I talked to a guy at Speedway and asked him about his daughter and even talked to the Jamba Juice worker. I'm making strides. Still could be more fun and I seem to be lacking energy, but I'm making progress. I continue to think of "as soon as..." for when to start, but tomorrow is the time to start. Right now is the time to start. There is no use in waiting, I can be happy, fun and loving right now.

NEW AVENUES

Every day seems to bring something that is better and better. We're all evened up on money now after day three of working. We're heading into the Halloween break with some family time on Saturday and Sunday. It looks like energy wise, I am good. Sure, I can't sleep at night, but that leads to getting a lot of stuff done. Around people though, I just feel out of sync. I really want to be a loving, kind person, but I am still thinking too much of myself. I hope to get out of that. Baby steps...I just want to keep getting closer to God and hopefully the rest will take care of itself. I do feel like it is happening.

NBA OPENING DAY

I am sitting here watching the Celtics play the Heat and just reflecting on what could have been an outstanding Speedway career. We started the day with a really cool breakfast at school. Then I went to the interview. And while I wasn't expecting this to be something that would work, I did hope that it would be a better fit for me. Then Tony said that it paid $8.25 and I knew that I couldn't do that. Back to the drawing board! I do wonder what God is doing and it seems like I am working but not going anywhere. I know something good is up though. I am excited about touching the world through speaking and book writing. Why not me? I want to make a difference, with God's help, why not?

MY TWO WEEKS

So for the past two, post marathon weeks, I have been focusing on getting myself back in line with the person that I want to be. Finishing the marathon really gave me the go ahead to get back to working hard to get done what needs to get done. It also has enabled me to get sick surprisingly, go figure. In this time, I have really done a better job of connecting with God. I have been journaling, getting back into Church, reading the Bible, memorizing scripture...really just taking time to hang out with God. One of the things that I am finding is that I have more energy for life. It is not just in the results, but in the pursuit of trying new things. What has been frustrating is that no matter how much I do, or what plans I try to make, nothing seems to pan out. There seem to be no results, nothing that works. It is amazing to me that I don't have some role to help people right now. I am shocked that in my life right now, I am not doing more to make a difference in people's lives. I realize that right now, my relationships with people seem distant and that even the people who I don't know, I am reluctant to start up a conversation or try and make their life better. I am more content to just keep to myself. But I know that God is calling me to do more. My desire is there. So while I know that I am making progress and I know that I am becoming more fun and less depressing, I need to make some more progress and focus on the person I am and not my "resume" of what I am accomplishing. I really think that where I go from here is key. My time at Famous Dave's seems to be coming to an end. My opportunity to do what I really want is now. The adoption is over. The kids are set in their patters. Before Kathy gets this principal gig, if that happens, I should have a firm foundation on the next step of life. I hope and pray God that you are leading me where I should go and not watching me mess up your plan. I really have the desire to live for God and for others, it just doesn't seem like I am there yet.

"Summer on the Mainland"

Summer on the Mainland,whear the fairies flutter around,

Summer on the Mainland,when flowers are to be found.

When the light,melts the snow,when the flowers start to grow,when the animals say hellooooooooooooo

It's a Summer on the Mainland!

Fairies fly! fairies fly

All the birds sing!all the birds sing

We enjoy, this kind, of happines,in the Summer on the Mainland!

[instremental break]

The Annimal Fairies help the animals,

They get the bears, out of hibernation,they even help the little birds flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

When the animals are on the Mainland.

The Water Fairies, make the super,strong,waves,and help,the tadpoles swiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim!

When the water is on the Mainland

FUN AT FAMOUS DAVE'S

I woke up in a bad mood, played terrible at basketball and was not in a good mood. A nap helped, but then I found out that I was a little sick. We had a nice "sick day" and at Famous Dave's I did a much better job of loving others. I agreed to just have more fun, and guess what, it works. I do pledge to do a better job of being more competive and working hard.

SPEEDWAY JOB

The job market has been flowing. I got a call from the recruiter today from Speedway and an email from the guy at Community Christian and it looks like there is some stuff that I may be able to do. So far, nothing that is overly exciting, but I see God working through all of this. I really did like the PADS thing, so overnight may be cool. The only problem is being crabby. I don't think I was all there today. I wonder if that would change. I just have to keep being the good me.

PADS

I took my first dare today, the jog around the neighborhood...and I think it actually worked. I think this God guy has something going here with this prayer thing. I also took my first jog since the marathon...man it is a struggle. I also have been spending too much time thinking about this job thing. Get off myself already! And then we went to PADS. I spent the last four hours just reading...and it was great. I don't know if this means that I should spend more time volunteering or take advantage of my ability to work through the night, but either way, this was a good step towards something.

NEW JOB

It was struggle today. First, the family is great. I played with Liana all day and at dinner the kids were just great to each other. They were really nice. We are so blessed to have the kids we do. We hit a snag though...work. I just know it is time to go, but I don't know where to. I want to put in the work, but I want to let God take control too. I see time for change, but I don't know what the change is. I am excited about speaking, college professoring and other stuff; but nothing just happens. Anyway, if I am going to love people, I have to quit thinking so much about what other job I can get and start thinking about who I am.

CULVER NIGHT

It seems like I just have a desire to become more fun. After speaking yesterday and working at Famous Dave's, I can see progress being made. And today I took another step by applying to a bunch of colleges for adjunct professor stuff. I am even being better at relating to people. Still though, there is something inside of me that just doesn't want to relate to people or that shies away from the opportunity to really get to know people. People are fun, and I just have to realize that I can really help others if I just give them a chance. And they can help me. Let's do some loving!

BENET DAY

The training is over, the marathon is done and now the Benet retreat is complete. I can get back to life tomorrow, and it feels good! I feel like it is a time for change...a time to get back to being me and having fun in life. Of course, some work has to be done for this to happen, and I'll probably have to get away from Famous Dave's, but it looks like the time. I really enjoy doing the speaking thing now. I would really like to be a college professor. I need to just put everything out there now and we'll see where you want to take it. I just am excited about the process.

LAST TRAINING

Today was the last day of marathon training. I have to tell you that this may be my best marathon. I am so proud of myself and have really put the health worries behind me. I don't care what happens Sunday, this was totally worth it. Of course, we'll see how I feel Monday. I have to admit though, I didn't see this one coming big guy, but I really think that through this whole process, you have made me a little bit more like the person you want me to be. You got a crazy way of working, but I like it!

DAIRY HUT

I was in a much better mood today, got some stuff done and slept a whole lot. It makes a big difference. I do hate when things go wrong. So sure I missed a meeting, but I guess there is a plan in everything. I got to spend time with the family and made some kick butt pizza. I just have to thank you for how life is going right now and ask that you provide time and resources to do what you want me to do.

CATS AND DOGS

I have to figure out why I just go through periods of being "down". I think that it has to do with no rest, but there is also the "pressure" of having something to do. With this Benet thing next week, and the desire to just rest this week, it seems like when I have things to do that aren't getting done, I really freak out a little bit. In my attempts to please other people, it seems like I don't do a very good job of being the person I want to be. I have to admit that while I believe that I will do a good job at stuff, actually doing it, when the time comes, makes me a little nervous. When it gets done though, I am fine. So in times like this, with the marathon looming, I also have to get stuff done. Regardless, I have to focus in the moment, plan a time when I will get whatever I need to get done and then live life to the full.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

Alexa and Liana asked today if they could stay up with Dad tonight and watch football since they didn't have school tomorrow...the dream is alive! I have to make sure that even though this is marathon week, I can't be so self-consumed that I lose my main focus of serving God through this and everything else. I can't be so concerned with taking care of my body that I forget about putting God first. Help me find some balance in all of this and help me to love others...and not be so shy about it!

ONCE A WEEK

Man, this whole get back on track of spiritual things ain't working so well. I haven't kept track of life in a week. Well, the breakdown goes like this...when I sleep I am a much better person. The problem is, to get everything done, I really don't sleep. It doesn't make sense. There is nothing I "have" to do, but I still stay awake late every night. I did have a disturbing dream this week where people kept changing from devils to angels and where I was doing the same. It really made me reconsider the importance of the decision to be a Christian and contemplate what I am doing to help myself and others in their struggle to find God. I want to do more, but just don't know where right now.

PERCY JACKSON

I stayed up all night to catch up with Mark in the Percy Jackson series...and then he goes to school and reads 6 chapters! I can't win. I did love by serving, even though I was really tired. And then I go to eat with Kevin and didn't want to go, but it turns out it was really worth while. I have a renewed passion for God, praying and doing spiritual stuff.

NO MORE SICK

It was another day of getting well. First, suprisingly I took two naps. This was good, especially after staying up late to watch football. I was much more loving to the kids today, trying to build them up and being positive recognizing their gifts and talents. I really believe that I have to try and keep our home a happy and fun place. We have to make it a real place where the kids, and the adults, can enjoy. Life should be fun!

20 MILES

I woke up today at 3:00 am and ran 20 miles. I really needed that. You can't help but feel good about finishing something like that. Even if I didn't finish the marathon at this point, I am really glad to know that my body can do that still. Church was great again, with a reminder that I have to treat my wife like the most important person in the room, and when she is not there, I have to do the same for my kids. I am getting more of a sense of living for God. I just ask that you help me figure out what you would like me to do. It is much better living for you.

MEAN DAD

I am feeling a little like the guy who I used to hate so much. Right as I start to get on a roll, I go two steps backwards. Not very loving the last two days, and it isn't all about sleep. I have been getting stuff done, but when I get away from being the person I think you want me to be, and when I get away from dreaming big, then it starts to really go down hill. I know you have a plan for me, and while it may not be anything that I ever expected, and it may not make me famous or part of some great master plan...there is something for me and I have to keep shooting for it. I can't let the little things get me down. And I have to remember that 20 miles is just around the corner, after which I can get to work on some of this "working hard" stuff. I have to admit that I am getting life in order, now I just have to get back to putting God first!

Love is a Verb

It's crazy that I have not written since Friday. Maybe good though, because at CCC on Sunday, we heard all about love and how it is a verb. The telling point to me was that we are supposed to love regardless of how we are feeling about the person. We may be right, but that doesn't change how we act. It is amazing how smart my parents have turned out to be. First, we were brought up in a home that almost insured success for us, being given acceptance, love, confidence, etc. And Dad's advice of "just love 'em", turns out that Jesus has the same advice for us. And I have the doctorate in Bible?

CLEAN KITCHEN

It seems that every day seems to get better. I really feel like that with the sleep I am getting and the work of running I am doing, life seems to be so much better. I did love Kathy today by doing the family meeting. And the kids and I got to hang out, which was awesome. I really do love my life. Sure, I wish that I could get more stuff done, but all in good time! People are what matters to God!

HOME REPAIR

Dude, was I tired today! After getting the kids to school and trying to get the house ready to paint for Mom and Dad, I was exhausted. This old age thing bites. At least I tried to be fun and high energy...gave it the old college try. I do believe we can make life better for people if we make it fun, so that is a focus right now in my "love focus". And it turns out, picking people over money (fantasy draft instead of Famous Dave's) was a good choice.

FUN

I stepped on the scale today and it was another step in getting back to who I hope God wants me to be! I found out that I was weighing in at 182, and it was just another way for me to become more disciplined. At work, and at home, I realized that even food was playing too big a part of my life. It hurt my service at work and even took away from me trying to help others enjoy their time at Famous Dave's. I realize this. Many people don't want to be there. It is kind of a down time. I really believe that I can best love the Famous Crew by making it fun again and bringing a new attitude. In fact, in all areas of life, that seems to be the case. In our home, that has to be the case also. Just be fun and help our kids to "live life to the full".

A New Plan

For awhile now, even though I have the life I have always wanted, I have been as miserable as I can ever imagine being. I don't know why, but nothing seems fun or good or right. My head is out of wack. I can't work hard. I am always tired. I don't look forward to anything. So I decided to hang out with God and figure out what the heck is wrong. Amongst other things, I realized that my life was spent in "survival mode" rather than "attack mode". Each day I have been just trying to "make it" instead of growing and making my life what I think God wants it to be. I think I have lost self-confidence, passion and the desire to do great things. But that is going to change. I have decided to get back to doing what is important and planning my life accordingly. I don't know what kind of change it will make, but with a little time of reflection and a lot of help from God, I hope that my life will take on more meaning!

WEDDING, PART 1

I just ran out of gas. I was doing good at hoops, doing good with the kids, doing good to start the wedding, but wouldn't you know it...I just got tired. I guess the not making excuse thing didn't go so well today, but tomorrow is another chance. I want to love myself and others more, but like everything else these days, it seems to be a bigger struggle than it should be.

MY BODY HURTS

It seems like every day I can think of another excuse as to why I have not been more loving today. I am so self-focused right now, it makes me sick. As I was driving today, I really felt exhausted. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but deep down I know that there is nothing wrong with me. I am just an excuse maker now, more soft than I have ever been. I know there are going to be times when my body just doesn't feel up to doing certain things, and I also know that I am working out for real for the first time in a long time, but that doesn't mean that I should allow it to make me stop being a loving person. I will admit though, when it is just me and the kids, during the times that were toughest in the past, these are now the times I enjoy most! At least we ended on a high note tonight!

FASTING

I have noticed that it is hard to love myself, others or God while not eating. I am just not very fun to be around during "fasting day". I have to admit, after three hours of sleep, basketball and fasting; I wasn't my best today. But in the long run, this day will be good in preparing me to get back on track. It is hard to love others when you don't really love yourself. I think that me being me is about hard work and discipline, and now every day I struggle with being able to work harder than anybody else, or even hard at all. I want to, but my body just doesn't seem up to it. Slowly but surely, I have to get back to being me and loving others and God like I love myself!

Tessa's Birthday

I woke up and was crabby again. Suprisingly, yesterday I was crabby too...at Great America. What was encouraging was that even though inside I wasn't a very "loving" person, and with other adults I didn't really come through. I have been great with kids. I played and had fun with them. And with our family members, I was loving. But with people I don't know and with my wife, I could really make some progress. I haven't really loved myself all that much and that seems to be the problem. If I could really get that down, not taking care of myself, but actually loving the person I am, it would take care of a lot of stuff.

Vacation

After spending a week, or four days, in Bay Furnace I feel closer to God, but I don't really know why. I feel like I am not doing a good job of loving others, just really not as concerned about others as I should be, or willing to take a chance at being friendly as I should be. It is my biggest hurdle right now in my Christian walk. I am getting better with God, spending time in the Word, slowing down, taking quiet time and just being more patient...and sleeping more. The only thing is that in all this I am still very unsettled inside. It seems as if the world is out of order and there is not much I can do to get it back. I feel bad that I am not doing a better job of loving God, others and myself; but I am looking forward to the challenge of getting back to where God wants me to be.

Love God, Love Myself, Love Others

Today was a little tougher as I had to deal with people and couldn't just sleep all day. I still found time to be "quiet" and talk to God. I also LOVED GOD by reading the Bible and serving the kids today. I LOVED MYSELF by taking a five-mile jog and sleeping until it was time for the meeting. I did a good job of letting myself take care of the business that needed to get done. I LOVED OTHERS by coaching the River Dogs and giving of myself for an hour. I did a good job of talking to people and making conversation when possible, especially with Christine and A.J. during our wedding planning time.

July 6, 2010

I have just realized that I have become so concerned with what is good for me, what I would like to do and what would make my life better that I have forgotten that my life is all about what God wants and needs from me. While never losing faith, the way I have been living out my faith has been, borrowing a phrase from Liana, "disgusting, gross"! In reading the Bible, speding more time in prayer and really trying to give God a chance with me again, I have become aware of the need to just reflect each day on how much I am loving God, myself and others. Instead of some checklist that becomes a chore, my hope is to just take some time each day to see if how I am living my life is in accordance with what I think what God wants all of our lives to be about - love. My life mission has been, for as long as I can remember, to love God, love myself and love others. This is the chance to make sure I am living out my mission.