WEDDING, PART 1

I just ran out of gas. I was doing good at hoops, doing good with the kids, doing good to start the wedding, but wouldn't you know it...I just got tired. I guess the not making excuse thing didn't go so well today, but tomorrow is another chance. I want to love myself and others more, but like everything else these days, it seems to be a bigger struggle than it should be.

MY BODY HURTS

It seems like every day I can think of another excuse as to why I have not been more loving today. I am so self-focused right now, it makes me sick. As I was driving today, I really felt exhausted. I feel like there is something wrong with me, but deep down I know that there is nothing wrong with me. I am just an excuse maker now, more soft than I have ever been. I know there are going to be times when my body just doesn't feel up to doing certain things, and I also know that I am working out for real for the first time in a long time, but that doesn't mean that I should allow it to make me stop being a loving person. I will admit though, when it is just me and the kids, during the times that were toughest in the past, these are now the times I enjoy most! At least we ended on a high note tonight!

FASTING

I have noticed that it is hard to love myself, others or God while not eating. I am just not very fun to be around during "fasting day". I have to admit, after three hours of sleep, basketball and fasting; I wasn't my best today. But in the long run, this day will be good in preparing me to get back on track. It is hard to love others when you don't really love yourself. I think that me being me is about hard work and discipline, and now every day I struggle with being able to work harder than anybody else, or even hard at all. I want to, but my body just doesn't seem up to it. Slowly but surely, I have to get back to being me and loving others and God like I love myself!

Tessa's Birthday

I woke up and was crabby again. Suprisingly, yesterday I was crabby too...at Great America. What was encouraging was that even though inside I wasn't a very "loving" person, and with other adults I didn't really come through. I have been great with kids. I played and had fun with them. And with our family members, I was loving. But with people I don't know and with my wife, I could really make some progress. I haven't really loved myself all that much and that seems to be the problem. If I could really get that down, not taking care of myself, but actually loving the person I am, it would take care of a lot of stuff.

Vacation

After spending a week, or four days, in Bay Furnace I feel closer to God, but I don't really know why. I feel like I am not doing a good job of loving others, just really not as concerned about others as I should be, or willing to take a chance at being friendly as I should be. It is my biggest hurdle right now in my Christian walk. I am getting better with God, spending time in the Word, slowing down, taking quiet time and just being more patient...and sleeping more. The only thing is that in all this I am still very unsettled inside. It seems as if the world is out of order and there is not much I can do to get it back. I feel bad that I am not doing a better job of loving God, others and myself; but I am looking forward to the challenge of getting back to where God wants me to be.

Love God, Love Myself, Love Others

Today was a little tougher as I had to deal with people and couldn't just sleep all day. I still found time to be "quiet" and talk to God. I also LOVED GOD by reading the Bible and serving the kids today. I LOVED MYSELF by taking a five-mile jog and sleeping until it was time for the meeting. I did a good job of letting myself take care of the business that needed to get done. I LOVED OTHERS by coaching the River Dogs and giving of myself for an hour. I did a good job of talking to people and making conversation when possible, especially with Christine and A.J. during our wedding planning time.

July 6, 2010

I have just realized that I have become so concerned with what is good for me, what I would like to do and what would make my life better that I have forgotten that my life is all about what God wants and needs from me. While never losing faith, the way I have been living out my faith has been, borrowing a phrase from Liana, "disgusting, gross"! In reading the Bible, speding more time in prayer and really trying to give God a chance with me again, I have become aware of the need to just reflect each day on how much I am loving God, myself and others. Instead of some checklist that becomes a chore, my hope is to just take some time each day to see if how I am living my life is in accordance with what I think what God wants all of our lives to be about - love. My life mission has been, for as long as I can remember, to love God, love myself and love others. This is the chance to make sure I am living out my mission.